Smiling Outside, Torn Inside: Bicultural Holiday Anxiety

The holidays are supposed to feel warm, joyful, and full of connection. At least, that is the story many of us are taught. But for people with a bicultural identity, this season often feels much more complicated. Instead of comfort, there can be pressure. Instead of excitement, there can be anxiety. It is the stress of navigating two cultures at once, the pressure to honor family expectations while also honoring who you have become, and the quiet fear that no matter what you choose, someone will feel disappointed.

Holiday anxiety is common for bicultural individuals because this time of year amplifies every part of your identity, including the parts that feel divided. In many immigrant households, the holidays come with unspoken rules about what it means to be a good son, daughter, niece, nephew, or grandchild. You are expected to attend every gathering, greet every relative properly, help in ways that show respect, and avoid appearing too American. But as you grow into your own person, your needs shift. Your boundaries strengthen. Your understanding of mental health deepens. What once felt normal may no longer feel sustainable, and that creates tension. You start wondering if setting boundaries will make you look ungrateful, if choosing yourself means disappointing your family, or if others will think you are too Western or not Western enough.

Many bicultural individuals also find themselves code switching throughout the season. You may slip into a softer, quieter version of yourself at family gatherings. You might minimize your accomplishments or avoid conflict to keep the peace. You play roles that fit your family’s expectations, even if they no longer reflect who you are in your everyday life. By the end of the night, you are exhausted not from socializing but from shape shifting.

Afterward, guilt tends to follow you home. Guilt for not visiting enough. Guilt for not speaking your language fluently. Guilt for drifting from traditions. Guilt for wanting space or wanting something different. When you carry two cultures within you, guilt becomes a familiar companion because you are constantly negotiating the world you came from and the world you are creating.

The holidays can also highlight the unique loneliness of feeling disconnected from both cultures. Around family, you may feel too American. Around peers, you may feel too foreign. This in between identity becomes especially loud during a season built around tradition, belonging, and community.

You do not have to choose between cultures to get through the holidays. You are allowed to create an experience that honors both where you came from and who you are becoming. You can give yourself permission to set boundaries, remembering that respect does not require self abandonment. You can step away from gatherings for a moment to reset your nervous system. You can show yourself compassion, because what you are navigating has no rulebook. You can create holiday traditions that blend both identities or carve out something entirely your own. And you can lean on people who understand the complexity of carrying multiple cultures within you.

Your anxiety is not a sign that you are failing your family or your culture. It is a sign that you are human, doing your best to make sense of two worlds while still trying to stay connected to yourself. Bicultural identity is not a weakness. It is depth, resilience, and richness. And during a season that brings up old roles and new expectations, you are allowed to create space for all of who you are.

You do not need to fit neatly into either culture to belong. You are allowed to be both. You are allowed to be neither. You are allowed to be you.

- Brandon A. Shindo LCSW