 In the spirit of Valentines month, let’s do a blog on relationships. You ready? Alright let’s go.
When I first started dating my husband, he asked me question I won’t forget. He proceeded to ask, "what is love?"...and to be honest, I didn’t know how to answer it. Now that I’m thinking back to it. I’m not completely sure I gave him an answer. Prior to my marriage, I’ve known love as a feeling. Then that feeling would fade away after a few months and the relationship seemed to take a turn, and not for the better. Fast-forward, if he were to ask me what love is now: I would say that love is an action. The definition of action is “doing something”. The truth is that relationships require effort and part of that effort is taking action to build love, mutual respect, trust, and safety. Especially when the relationship has passed that honeymoon phase that happens early on when you begin dating. Enough of the lecture, let me give you some tips I give my clients in couple’s therapy to help them enhance their relationship. In fact, these are some things that I even try to implement in my own relationship. Since I don't believe love is all that a relationship needs. Here are some other things: Respect: Mutual respect is important. There are going to be times when your partner gets on your nerves (probably many times) and I want you to remember that words are hurtful and can’t easily be taken back. One of the rules that we have with my husband is no cussing at each other. That is our boundary to protect each other and assure that even in frustrating moments, there is respect. What is something you can do today to show your partner and your relationship the respect it needs? Appreciation: I always like to say that it’s about the little things. You don’t need to plan expensive vacations, buy them Gucci etc. (although you can) but it’s about showing them that you care, think about them, and appreciate them. The best way this can be done is by learning their love language and doing things that make them feel loved. Here is an activity you guys can do together to learn each other’s love language. Check out https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language Communication: Is key, when done correctly. Learning how to communicate and listen can be one of the most transforming things in your relationship. Quick tips on communication. 1. Focus on expressing your own needs and feelings 2. Take time to listen to your partner and try to understand their perspective 3. Take a break/pause if things are getting too heated, and then come back 4. Remember that it’s you and your partner, not you against your partner. Trust: Trust can be broken in small moments over time. Like when you constantly say you will do something, and you don’t do it. So, keep in mind that trust is a foundation for partnership. I trust you and you trust me; it creates safety. The best way to make sure there is no rupture, is to be open and communicate about what’s going on. Now, can trust be regained? Yes, though it will take time and effort. Lastly, your love does not have to be celebrated one day out of the year… so today I encourage you to go ahead and tell/show your partner your love for them. With Love, Dilia Morales
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 Okay so I don’t know who started this rumor and I’m sorry to have to break it to you, but therapists do not have the “perfect all put together life”. In fact, if anyone knows of a secret to being exempt from mental health, please let me in!
As therapists, we are in the helping field; our job requires us to listen to others’ problems and support them navigate life. Woah talk about high expectations huh? As I think back to my journey of becoming a therapist, there are a few things I wish that graduate school would have taught me. My master’s program did a great job on teaching me client care, theory, law, and ethics (of course) and more but all these factors are learned to benefit our clients, and we can get so busy attending to others that we forget about ourselves in the process. We can’t give our best to our clients if we are not at our best. With that in mind, you know what I wish would have also been incorporated? Tools to navigate my own stress, skills to utilize in the workplace, how to recognize my own strengths, and the fact that we need community in this field. So back to my question, do therapists go to therapy? Although it is not necessarily a requirement, I personally think part of being a great therapist is knowing what it’s like to be a client. Imagine being able to genuine relate on what it feels like to be on the other side of the couch/screen when your client comes in for the first time feeling anxious and uncertain. To be able to say- I know what you’re feeling, I’ve been there too. Let me let you into a little secret... interventions are great and helpful. But you know what I’ve seen over and over that truly makes a difference? The therapeutic relationship with the client, and to show up for our clients, we have to show up for ourselves also. Here are my lasts thoughts, if you are starting your journey as a therapist know that the first few years can be tough! Make sure you reach out for support as necessary, by joining a group, seeking your own therapy, building community. If you have been in the field for some years, the same still applies because we know burnout and compassion fatigue is real. If you are looking for a group, I know of one that will be starting very soon! In fact, I will be co-facilitating it and discussing the tools I wish I would have had. Check it out on our K&B website, and then you can also say “this therapist goes to therapy”. All the best, Dilia Morales  Okay, let’s have a moment of honesty. For the past few years, I have had a similar New Year’s resolution every January. It has been identical because my plans to create this new change and habit in my life has seemed to fail. Some resolutions have lasted longer than others, but most often not permanently.
Let me paint you a picture of what this cycle looks like. The new year begins, and I feel motivated and ready to make some changes. I go hard! I start working out daily, I change some eating habits, and then…. I start slacking off. The motivation ends and I am back to habits that make me feel horrible. So, I have been thinking, what am I doing wrong? Why can't I seem to stick to my goals and achieve them? Why does it feel like I'm working so hard but not getting anywhere? I’ll let you into a little secret, it is all about how you plan for your goals. You can have all the motivation in the world, but if your goals are unrealistic, not specific enough, unable to be measured... well then, there’s a high likelihood that these goals will fall off and disappear. This year, I want you to succeed. I want to encourage you to try something different and take notice of whether the outcome changes. After all, it is a new year with plenty of new opportunities. The truth is, we can make changes at any point and if the new year happens to make you feel inspired, well then let's do it! Allow me to introduce you to SMART goals. SMART is the acronym for a tool to help in guiding your goal setting. Specific- Make sure your goal is clear and lists what needs to be accomplished Measurable- It is important that you can track your progress (this will help with motivation) Achievable- For it to be successful, your goal must be realistic and possible to attain Relevant- It is best if your goal aligns with your values and is meaningful to you Time-bound- The plan is to achieve your goal, so set a deadline to keep yourself accountable Here is an example of two goals. Can you guess which one is the SMART goal? Example 1: I want to go back to school next year and get a degree. Example 2: I will start community college as a full-time student by enrolling in four general education classes for the Spring 2023 semester at Los Angeles Community College. If you guessed the second one, good catch! Now that you have a SMART goal, you can break down the steps to achieve it. Before you head out to start creating your own goals for 2023, I want to remind you that "failure" is part of the process. Although this is a practical strategy, I also want to acknowledge that it might not be as black and white when barriers are present. Give yourself grace and know that any progress is a step in the right direction. I hope this year brings you all the growth and happiness you wish for! - Dilia Morales Monroy, MA, AMFT, APCC  ¡Guau! Y así, vuelven los días festivos. ¿Notas una mezcla de emociones en esta época del año?
Desde que tengo memoria, cada temporada de los días festivos una nube de oscuridad flotaba sobre mí. En sí, los días festivos se asocian con momentos felices, pero a veces pueden ser todo lo contrario para unas personas. En 2002, la vida que conocía dio un giro lleno de acontecimientos cuando mi familia y yo emigramos a los Estados Unidos con la esperanza de una vida mejor. Todo lo que se sentía como mi hogar de repente ya no estaba allí. Los recuerdos de mi infancia, la familia y las pertenencias que tenían significado quedaron atrás. Durante esta temporada, cosas como el aroma de un arbolito de navidad, las luces navideñas que tocan la melodía "Feliz Navidad", el clima frío y la comida que como en las cenas familiares me recuerdan a mis raíces de infancia en Guatemala, y lo que sigue es una mezcla de emociones. Algunos lo llaman "El Sueño Americano", y desde la perspectiva de un extraño, esta es una oportunidad única en la vida...y pari mi si y lo es. Estoy tan bendecida con todas las oportunidades que me han sido concedidas. Sin embargo, el dolor, el vacío y el entumecimiento que vienen con comenzar una nueva vida es algo de lo que no se habla con frecuencia. Puede ser que estés extrañando a tu familia o amigos durante este tiempo. Puede ser que estés deseando una buena taza de chocolate caliente, champurrado, ponche o té con ellos en tu país de origen y no puedas. Puede ser que tu casa no se sienta como tu hogar. Después de todo, dicen que el hogar es donde está el corazón, ¿no? Quiero invitarte a reflexionar sobre la posibilidad de recrear un “sentimiento de hogar” durante esta época navideña; incorporando cosas que hacen que tu entorno y tu experiencia actual se sientan como un hogar. Primero, quiero comenzar reconociendo que la experiencia de inmigración es difícil. Mi historia puede ser muy diferente a la tuya, pero mi corazón está contigo durante este tiempo. Si estás pasando por una experiencia similar o sientes emociones similares, quiero compartir algunos consejos para ayudarte a navegar los días festivos: 1. Encuentra un sistema de apoyo Ya sean amigos, compañeros de trabajo o familiares, encuentra personas con las que puedas pasar los días festivos. Envíales un mensaje de texto, haz una llamada rápida, haz planes para reunirte con ellos. Como humanos, estamos conectados para las conexiones y no hay nada más reconfortante que tener personas que llenan tu taza a tu lado en tiempos difíciles. 2. Incorpora tradiciones que tengan significado para ti Lleva el hogar a ti. Eso podría significar cocinar tu plato favorito, recrear una tradición que harías en tu país de origen, tocar música que llene tu alma o cualquier cosa que tenga significado para ti. Lo importante aquí es que sigas sintiéndote conectado con lo que sea que te estés extrañando o necesites en este momento. 3. Apóyate en tus sentimientos La ironía de esto es que es posible que desees escapar de cómo te sientes. Tratar de alejar esas emociones. Déjame preguntarte algo, ¿han desaparecido esos sentimientos? Aceptar sentimientos difíciles es parte del trabajo necesario. A veces, lo mejor que puede hacer es reconocer lo que está sintiendo, aceptarlo y saber que la ansiedad, la depresión, la tristeza, la soledad y los síntomas similares al duelo son comunes. Si notas que estas emociones se interponen en tu funcionamiento diario y desea trabajar en ello, te animo a buscar ayuda profesional. 4. Se paciente con el proceso La vida puede presentar muchos obstáculos en tu camino, pero aprender a ser paciente con el proceso es vital. El duelo migratorio, que ocurre cuando se experimenta algún tipo de pérdida relacionada con la inmigración, a veces puede ser parte del proceso. El estrés de la aculturación y la experiencia del inmigrante también son comunes y un proceso que va y viene. Algunos días puede sentirte en la cima, mientras que otros días puede estar luchando para llegar al final del día. Sin embargo, agárrate a ese pequeño pedazo de esperanza. Quiero dejarte con esta frase: “La esperanza es lo único que puede ayudarnos a superar los momentos más oscuros”. - Autor desconocido - Dilia Morales Monroy, MA, AMFT, APCC Woah! And just like that, the holidays are back. Do you happen to notice mixed emotions around this time of the year?
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